Stress, money, and a stupid idea
Note: this post is somewhat twisted. I’m being very open that I am “sick.”
You may or may not want to read it. Just a warning.
I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this, but I’ve been extremely stressed over my financial situation for a long time.
Despite receiving very good treatment, due to the fact that I now not only have mental illness — Bipolar disorder and Generalized anxiety disorder (or Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; how I was more accurately re-diagnosed), but Multiple sclerosis as well, it’s been near impossible to hold down any kind of standard job or have a steady income.
My Bipolar disorder has always at times been a gift to me. At times, I’ve made very large amounts of money in short amounts of time while in a manic phase. But my drive – my motivation – doesn’t last. I often have trouble finish projects.
Other times, it’s curse. I become so depressed that I can’t get out of bed. Plus a whole host of other shit I’m sure you can read about here, or on other sites.
I’ve come to realize that part of the problem is also my personality type. My personality type is INFP.
From 16personalities.com (hey, go find out what type you are and comment below!)
In the workplace, INFPs face the challenge of taking their work and their profession personally. To INFPs, if it isn’t worth doing, it isn’t really worth doing, and this sense of moral purpose in their work colors everything from how they respond to authority to how they express it. Though the way the INFP personality type shows through depends on the position, there are a few basic truths about what INFPs seek in the workplace: they value harmony, need an emotional and moral connection to their work, and loathe bureaucratic tedium.
I couldn’t agree with this more. I have worked before and I absolutely can’t stand the typical “9-5” jobs with no meaning behind them. I need more. And that’s when I CAN work.
I manage to just barely get by every month, but I have the very bare minimum — less than people who work those jobs and still complain about having “no money.”
With my knowledge and skills, you’d be surprised at how little I make. And also how much I’ve done for little to nothing in return.
Stress in general causes me extreme anxiety, obsessive thinking, worsens my paranoia and symptoms such as hallucinations from the Schizoaffective, and overall just shits on my mental health.
I also deal with chronic pain, muscle aches, muscle spasms (that have at time “frozen” me in place from being so severe), nerve pain that can feel like knives stabbing my feet as an example, migraines, ice pick headaches and worse. It’s a clusterfuck.
But I survive. At times I actually feel decent, mentally, emotionally. I have a great girlfriend, who I appreciate so much more than I can put into words — and some really amazing, support friends and family.
What triggered me to write this post though, was something that realized I really am “sick”
For whatever reason, I was thinking about ways to get money and my stupid mind came across the following idea. Maybe if I tweeted out that I’d seriously cut my manhood off for a high sum of money such as $5 – $25 million USD, that some sadistic rich person who could remain anonymous would actually be willing to pay if provided sufficient proof of the deed.
Why the hell would I do that? Because I honestly rather deal with the aftermath of that and have no sexual satisfaction ever again, than deal with the stress and lack of security that not having a source of income for life would provide me. How else am I going to get it, realistically?
I don’t even want to go on spending sprees or want anything too fancy.
I just want security!! I want to live comfortably. I want my own house. I want to be able to pay the bills, buy food, afford shit when things go wrong, have a vehicle which I haven’t had since in YEARS, I want a few things for fun (hobbies) – yes, because I have fucking nothing. I’m miserable.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am extremely grateful.
I fully understand that there are people in even worse situations than myself. People who are starving and don’t have any shelter. At least I have that. But it doesn’t change that I want to feel better myself.
If I was a billionaire like Jeff Bezos, I would donate to all of them if it were reasonable and doable. I would do my best to help other people.
I fucking love helping people. Nobody fucking helps me though. Well, that’s not completely true. Some people on Twitter are awesome and support my mental health, and I appreciate that greatly too. Really, I do. Thank you, if you’re reading this, from the bottom of my heart. And I am also sorry if you don’t feel that I support you enough. Let me know if you need me to talk to!
With that said, I’m not sure what else to add. I just had this twisted ass idea, and I felt like sharing very openly that I am “messed up” and stressed as fucked.
I hope you have a nice day.