As I noted in one of my previous posts, I’d been feeling somewhat depressed.
However, lately I feel that the depression may be more ‘normal’ than my typical bipolar episodes.
I realized there’s something more going on…
Mental illness has ripped parts of life from me…
Rather than just being depressed for no apparent reason, I’ve been feeling that way because of how my life is in general.
It’s been a struggle for years due to mental illness in general, and I feel that my illness has stolen a lot of time from my life that I can’t get back. It’s shaped who I am, where I am (as far as productivity, financially, my relationships etc.), and it has also formed a lot of bad habits that also contribute to how I feel on a daily basis.
- I missed out a lot of my later high school years and relationships, because I felt forced to drop out
- I barely have any friends, and lost most of the ones I did
- I haven’t been able to work in years, even though I want to
- I don’t feel comfortable in social situations, and when I am in them I barely have anything to say.
- I can’t seem to relate to most people, and don’t tend to keep track of things they’re interested in
- I’ve completely ruined my credit for a long time due to impulsiveness brought on my mania
- I’ve missed out on multiple family/friend events. Weddings, funerals, just dining out, etc.
- I’ve lost the desire and maybe even hope to (or that I can) achieve higher goals in life, be in a steady relationship, or even finish projects that at one time or another interest me
…Just to name a few things.
And I look at everything very negatively, due to how many times I’ve failed or ‘ruined’ things in the past.
I also tend to be in the same or similar routine every day regardless of how I feel – and it’s not a good one for either mental or physical health. I feel that I’ve lost the ability to live life – or at least, forgotten how. Watching other people and hearing about them living their life is almost foreign to me.
I was hoping that therapy would help re-train me in that aspect or at least push me forward, but so far it hasn’t.
Basically my point is that mental illness can really be debilitating and have long lasting effects on a person’s life.
After years of struggling and missing out on both “normal” every day things, and important stages of growing up as an individual, I fear that even if my medication starts to stabilize me that I won’t be able to just “jump back in” to life.
I need a different kind of help for that, and it’ll probably take years more to achieve what a person would call a “life”.
But I need to believe that it can be done. And if you’re in a similar situation, I hope you will too.